I've Been Having Trouble Sleeping, Cause All I Think About is You
by Love-Matthew
Summary: Day 4 Spierfield College Au. Both Bram and Simon got to NYU and meet by chance at a club meeting. Both of them are pretty enamoured by the other but Simons hiding from his past while Brams already embracing his future. Title from "Circles" by MDWS I really wasn't happy with how this turned out so please leave me honest reviews so I know what people think. Thank you.


Spierfield Day 4-College AU

New York University prided itself on being a culturally diverse, socially inclusive and outstandingly accepting University. It was one of the top educational settings in the country and had one of the highest scores for student success rates. People came from far and wide to view the community offered and many left incredibly impressed with what they saw.

When Bram first came to look around NYU he had been doubtful of just how much the place would live up to its reviews and his expectations however the more he wandered around the grounds, the more he took in the different people and the open stands advertising clubs and courses on offer including one for LGBTQ+ members, the more he felt like this was where he was meant to be. Savannah was certainly lovely but this? This was meant to be his home.

When Simon first came to look around NYU he hadn't been looking for anything in particular other than a way out of Shady Creek, an escape from the horrid memories that had turned his home into a nightmare. It had been so long since Simon had felt safe and not threatened by the people around him that when it first occurred, outside the open tent for the LGBTQ+ club, he hadn't quite known what to do with himself other than just stand there and stare. For the first time in a very long while something about this felt right. Simon didn't know what to do with that feeling either.

Four months later after both boys had graduated and been granted places at NYU they packed up what they could of their lives at home, pictures of family, posters, bedding, clothes, music systems and various other items and made the move to begin the next chapter in their lives. One boy looking forward to embracing his new self, his new life.

The other hoping for a calmer, sunnier chapter in his story that didn't end with his skin resembling a stormy sky and feeling constant rumbles of thunder from a body that could never quite recover before the next storm hit.

Both boys settled into their respective rooms, both singles with their own bathrooms. They set up their posters and music systems. Laptops were placed on desks and memorabilia hung from walls. A home away from home yet also a new space that represented changes to come and the fact that life had finally started to begin.

One month went by as quick as one could blink, both boys attending lectures for their respective courses, journalism and philosophy for Bram and Social Arts and Creative Writing for Simon. With so much new information the boys barely had a chance to explore their new surroundings not wanting to fall behind in their first month.

By the third month Bram felt like he was balancing everything pretty well, he had joined the University's soccer team and had made friends with most of the team even after coming out to them, he was turning in his assignments on time and had even mustered up the courage to go too the LGBTQ+ meetings at the recommendation of his new soccer friend Garrett.

He was glad that he had, he immediately felt at home with the people in the group and spent the session laughing with and learning about the other members.

By Simons third month he still wasn't quite sure if he had found a "good" balance but he had found one that worked for him. He knew which lectures he could afford to skip so he could stay in bed and watch Netflix or read and he also knew that the coffee shop on the corner, which sold the best Oreo cappuccino, stood next to an amazing twenty-four-hour convenience store that stocked every type of Oreo year round. Convenient indeed he always thought with a chuckle.

So it may not have been the best balance, but it was a balance that worked and so far his grades had been good enough that he didn't really plan to alter his current way of life. He could do with being a bit less lonely though, that was a common thought.  
Both boys had no idea about the other even existing despite the fact they both shared the same dorm building and lived on the same floor, one at one end of the corridor and one at the other. A combination of different schedules, workloads and the fact that Simon rarely left his room meant that the boys had simply co-existed. Both flying underneath each other's radar but all that was about to change, because of the rain of all things.

You might say it's a bit cliche to say that their love story began because of the rain but neither of them cared, whenever they tell the story now, the rain is their greatest ally for without it they probably would never have met. Both boys shudder at that thought.

Bram was excited about the meeting today and he had made his way there early at around 10:30 just to see if he could help set up, a good job he had too as about ten minutes after he got there the heavens opened and sheets of water fell from the sky, drenching everything in an instant.

Simon was on his way to the twenty-four-hour store to get yet another packet of Oreos when the sky went uncharacteristically dark. He just had the chance to think "Oh Fuck" before the sky cracked open and the ocean fell through. Simon was soaked in an instant, hell he was saturated.

He looked around desperately for shelter before sprinting to the closest building and diving inside. He moved over to the radiator in an attempt to warm himself and dry off slightly. He stood dripping in the corridor for a good five minutes before setting off down the hall to see if he could maybe head out the other side and get back his dorm. He was about halfway down the corridor when he saw a sign outside one of the rooms

*LGBTQ+ Club Meeting Today 11am*

and underneath that, someone had written a small slogan of sorts that said

*Come on in and don't be shy, we're all a bit queer here*

Simon couldn't help but smile slightly at the sign, he remembered back to his first time wandering around the campus and seeing these guys in their tent. He remembered how warm he had felt on the inside when he saw people like him being accepted. He remembered how it had started to melt the icy wall he was growing around his heart and how good it had felt, even just for that moment. Stepping closer he looked at his phone, the time read 10:51.

Simon stood debating for a few minutes before deciding that hell, he deserved a chance at happiness too. Right?

Bram wandered into his fifth LGBTQ+ meeting more comfortable in his own skin than he had been in a long time. After keeping his secret a secret all through high school, after being kept in the dark of a society induced closet for so long, it had felt like a giant weight off his shoulders when he kicked the door down and finally admitted to the world he was.

Bram was 100% gay and he loved that about himself, he loved the confidence he now had in himself. He loved the fact that his friends still loved him and how he had created even more while here and he loved the way that even on rainy days he could always see a rainbow from his dorm window. Life, Bram had to admit, was pretty great.

Simon edged his way into his first LGBTQ+ meeting, sticking as close to the wall at the side of the room while also trying to not leave a watermark on everything he brushed against. Maybe he shouldn't have come to his first meeting looking like a drowned rat he thought. Deep down he knew he was welcome here and new he would be accepted but he couldn't help but listen to the fear that seemed to constantly live inside him, whispering to Simon all of the things that were going to go wrong until even the shadows in the room had a name and a reason to hate him.

Turns out when someone in high school accidentally comes across your blog dedicated to LGBTQ+ rights, which includes your own admission on how you identify, and then proceeds to blackmail you until you don't meet their expectations anymore so they go and out you and then you end up spending the last half of your final year in high school alone, friendless and varying shades of black and blue, it can really affect you in the future when you're trying to come to terms with accepting who you are. Who knew?

The meeting hall seemed pretty full when Simon finally stopped to take in his surroundings but the meeting didn't seem to have started yet thankfully. Simon stayed back, desperately wishing he knew how to mingle and talk to people, that should be a documentary on Netflix Simon thought. His thoughts grew a bit, the more he considered how he could even talk to these people let alone about himself when he was suddenly yanked out of his thoughts by the sound of a bell ringing.

When Simon refocused he glanced around the room only to find a set of dark amber eyes studying him. As soon as Simons' eyes met the strangers he dropped his gaze and blushed hard, a small smile gracing his face. An incredibly attractive face Simon couldn't help but think.

He blushed when that thought popped into his head and couldn't help but start shifting around uncomfortably, he was well aware he didn't look all too appealing right now, his dirty blond hair was all over the place, his clothes were soaking and clinging to his body in a way that Simon hated and he was really not dressed to impress, after all, he'd only nipped out to by more Oreos.

Bram had noticed when Simon had slunk into the room but had been so caught up in his conversation that he hadn't had a chance to properly look at him. When a break came from the talking he took the time to look around and see if he could spot the new boy. There he stood, near the back of the room, pressed against the wall, looking cold and wet, as if he desperately wished it would swallow him whole.

He was of slight figure Bram noticed, not too tall and in possession of the most incredible eyes, Bram had ever seen. A bell rang signalling the start of the meeting as Bram studied the other boy with amazing eyes, eyes of muted silver and dusky starlight, he felt like was starring into the Universe itself, and then the universe was looking back. Bram dropped his eyes immediately, blushing at being caught staring, he couldn't help the small smile that slipped past his lips though, the boy was worth being caught looking at in his opinion. With that thought, he headed over to his usual seat and was once again swept up in conversation.

Everyone was starting to make their way over to the rows of chairs which were facing a small stage at the front of the room. Simon settled in a seat near the back, away from everyone else and close enough to the door that he could bolt if he needed to. Against his will his eyes sought out the stranger from earlier, they found him sitting in the second row from the front, laughing and talking with another group of kids. He was clearly popular as even those not included in the conversation leaned in to listen when he talked and couldn't help but smile when he did.

Two kids around Simons age walked up onto the stage and cleared their throats

"Hey everyone!"

The boy on the left began

"As you'll know if you came to our last meeting this one a special one because it's our two year club anniversary"

"That's right"

continued the person on the right, Simon studied them for a moment, he couldn't tell if they were boy or girl. He knew that more than two genders existed but he'd never met someone who may be identified as a different one before, maybe that was about to change. The person on the right was still talking

"because it's our two year anniversary we wanted to make this meeting extra special for you guys, after all, we're only here because of your support whether you've been here for a year, a month or even a day"

The boy on the right took over

"That's correct, now before we go any further just in case we have any new members in were going to introduce ourselves. My name is Josh, I'm 19 and I'm Asexual, I use He/Him pronouns! I'm studying Social Arts and Sociology here on campus"

Simon studied Josh more closely when he mentioned they shared a study, was it possible Josh was in his class and he'd just never noticed? The person on the left cleared their throat

"Hey everyone my Name is Al, I'm 19 too and I'm gender fluid so please us they/them pronouns when you refer to me, please! I'm studying psychology and philosophy here on campus"

When they said philosophy their eyes moved over to the boy that had been starring at Simon earlier and they smiled slightly, Simon noticed that the boy smiled in return.

"Now today's session is going to be interesting because we're not gonna talk as the group, and were not gonna share with everyone"

Simon let out a sigh of relief

"Well not in the usual way"

Aaaaaand the relief was gone.

"What you're gonna do is your gonna head on over to the table at the back, grab a pen, two name labels and a piece of paper. You're gonna come up with an anonymous name for yourself and tick one of the name labels to your person, keep hold of the other though, your gonna stick the label were everyone can see it and then you're gonna write your coming out story on the paper. If you haven't come out yet then I want you to write on your goals for when its gonna happen 'kay?

Cool, once you've done that you're gonna write a way for people to reach out and contact you, it can be email, phone, social media or whatever and then hopefully when you leave here today you'll be making friends you never thought you'd make.

"Any questions?"

Josh interrupted.

"When he was met by silence he grinned

"Seems like you all understand the no talking part perfectly, off you go then!"

Simon let a few people in front of him before going and grabbing the equipment he needed. He then headed off to one of the nearby desks and started writing. He wasn't sure how much detail was needed in his coming out story and he didn't have the courage to ask so he just gave a basic outline that read

"I got outed in high school by some asshole who decided to blackmail me when he found out about my online blog admitting who I was, when I couldn't go through with setting him up with my best friend he posted my blog and screenshots of my post on the school media site and that was that"

Simon studied it before deciding it was good enough and then got to work on his name label. Coming up with a made-up name was more difficult than he thought it was going to be and he looked around the room for some sort of inspiration.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a board filled with pictures from around the world, one picture, in particular, the Eiffel Tower, caught his eye. He remembered his family trip to Paris when he was fourteen and the fun he and his family had had. His mum had called him this stupid nickname for the duration of the trip and while Simon had pretended he disliked it he had secretly loved it.

Smiling to himself he put pen to paper and wrote in his neatest handwriting

"Jacques"

He made sure it was readable before attaching it to his damp shirt, he hoped the ink wouldn't run through and spoil it. He paused when it came to the contact information though, did he really want people he didn't know to have his phone number? Simon decided that no, he did not. He remembered an email he had set up years ago for no particular reason other than this was his and his alone but he hadn't used it in forever.

Might as well blow off the cobwebs Simon thought and wrote out his email

And then stuck everything else to his chest so people could read it.

Emails, it turns out, were part of their love story too.

When it came to Bram he didn't have to think all too hard about his coming out story and wrote it quickly, his read

"I came here to college looking to be myself and grow my wings. I came out my classmates and friends that I made and if they responded negatively I cut them off. I'm now surrounded by the greatest people and couldn't be happier"

He also didn't have to think too hard about his anonymous name either, he had posted a few times on blogs and websites under a hidden name and so he stuck with his go too name

"Blue"

Like Simon, though he paused when it came to the contact side, he too felt uncomfortable about having random people know his mobile number so he decided to put the email that only his mum and dad knew about

"bluegreen118 "

Bram smiled, this was going to be fun.

Once everyone had written their stories and adopted new identities, Josh and Al claimed the rooms attention again. Josh spoke up

"Okay everyone, now that's sorted what you're gonna do is come and drop your new name into this bowl here, once everyone has done that I'm gonna pick out names at random, you're gonna pair up and you're going to talk, it can be about anything and everything okay? I'm sure you've all got something to talk about deep down"

Slowly everyone made their way over to the bowl that Josh held and dropped their names in, Simon didn't make eye contact with anyone the entire time.

Al rang the bell again and Josh started calling out random names. There we silly names like Santa and Satan that got paired together, Yankee and Bronx got called out. Trash Panda and Bookie came next followed by another pair and then another. Simon was close to zoning out when he heard Blue and Jacques.

He started slightly at hearing his name and then gaped when he saw who Blue was, he was the boy from before, the attractive one. Both of them stood up at the same time and made their way over to one of the empty desks where they sat awkwardly for a moment.

Blue started off the conversation

"So, Jacques, unfortunately, I can't really read your story and your email isn't the easiest to read either thanks to these pens that run at the slightest bit of water but I wasn't going to talk about that stuff anyway unless you wanted to of course"

Simon was awestruck by the voice coming out of this Adonis sat across from him, it was deep and powerful but soft and soothing, like the waves that crashed ships into rocks only for them to enter the calm depths under the surface.

"That's okay by me, I don't think I'm quite ready to talk about it anyway"

Simon agreed

"Okay, well just know that when you're ready, we'll be here to help okay?

Simon just nodded

"Okay, then Jacques who's your favourite music artist today?"

'Today?"

Wait you mean yours doesn't change depending on how you feel when you wake up? Man am I the only one?"

Simon stared for a moment before letting out a smile

"No no, you're not alone, its just been so long since someone asked me properly that I was shocked for a moment. Today my favourite artist is Elliot Smith, his voice is incredible and I just fall into his songs so much you know, music is like my lifeblood, well about 60% of it anyway"

"I haven't heard of him I'll give him a look, any song recommendations to start me off? and if the music is only 60% of your lifeblood then whats the other 40%?

"Oh you definitely have to look him up, I'd start with Waltz No. 2 and then follow up with Between the Bars and Oh well, Okay. If you're still around after that then I'd go for Baby Britain. As for the other parts, I'd say its 25% Oreos and 15% Iced coffee"

Bram nodded, making a note of them on his phone, a gesture which Simon picked up on and stored away for later.

"But how about you, who's your favourite artist today?"

Bram gave it some thought

"Hmm if I had to say, anyone I'd probably say Kid Cudi, I've had Pursuit of Happiness on Repeat for most of the morning if I'm honest"

"No way you listen to Kid Cudi too? That's my favourite song by him"

"Wait seriously? I thought I was the only one on campus who even knew who he was let alone listened to him"

Simon laughed

"Maybe you need to expand your friend circle then"

Simon clapped his hand over his mouth, this new found confidence which was seemingly allowing him to talk to Blue was apparently quite dangerous.

"Sorry, I'm not one to talk, I don't really have any friends here"

"its chill, I think there's room in my friendship circle for one more"

Simon blushed

"Well my friendship spots are more than open so I'm fine with that"

Bram grinned

"I'm curious, I've never seen you at the meetings before. How come? You could make friends here you know?"

Simon thinks for a minute

"I wanted to come, for ages but I always held myself back, I never had the confidence even though this groups one of the main reasons I wanted to come here"

"Hey! Me too"

"Truth be told I wasn't even meant to come to this one, I didn't even know it was here, I was on my way to the store to get more Oreos on me when the sky decided it was a good idea to drown me, I dived in here and saw the sign, thought fuck it why not and came in. That's why I don't quite look my best"

Bram just chuckled

"you look fine and I'm glad you got rained on, otherwise I wouldn't be having the conversation with you Jacques"

Simon just grinned down at the table

"So what are you studying here?"

Bram inquired

"I'm studying Social Arts and Creative writing how about you?"  
"I'm studying Journalism and Philosophy"

Bram responded

Simon was just about to ask him more about it when the bell was rung and Al stepped onto the stage signalling the end of the activity. They all went back to their chairs with Blue shooting a glance over at Simon that he didn't quite understand.

Bram was mildly obsessed with the boy Jacques, he was smart, had good taste in music and gave off a vibe of kindness and sincerity. Bram also, couldn't get the image of Jacques' eyes out of his head. But there was also an air of sadness to the boy, he seemed so…down. As if the world had dumped itself on his shoulders without a word of warning and he was still learning how to cope with the weight.

He guessed it had something to do with Jacques's coming out, he hadn't been able to read much but from what he could see it hadn't been a good one and Bram wondered if maybe he should have tried to talk about it with the boy, he was clearly quite lonely.

With the way the smaller boy had been so curled in on himself when they first started talking it was apparent he still thought the world was going to be cruel to him, even when surrounded by people like himself.

He was mad though because try as he might he couldn't read the boys email and he asked for it either, just as he had been about to ask for the boy to write it down the bell rang and he groaned internally. Just his luck that the first boy he actually finds genuinely attractive and quite interesting and he doesn't even get his email.

Shooting one last look at the mysterious Jacques he returns to his seat, trying to formulate a plan on how he can get to contact him. He comes up blank.

Both boys zoned out for the rest of the meeting, Simon too busy going through what he had said about him and how nice it had been to actually talk to someone other than asking a classmate for a pen.

Bram drifted off into his own world, he knew he should be paying attention because they were talking about the next meeting but he also knew that he could get all the info off of Al in their next philosophy lesson, he couldn't stop thinking about Jacques, He hoped now that Jacques had been to one meeting he would start coming more regularly. It was the only way he could of think of on how to contact and connect with him other than a chance meeting on campus.

Josh was still speaking up on stage

"Now because of the weather we're gonna cancel early today, there's a break in the rain if you go now but its forecast to come down again soon and hard at that so I think you should all just shoo"

A couple of people chuckled and the group started to disperse, Bram saw Jacque peel off the paper from his chest before chucking it into the closest bin. He shot one last glance over his shoulder, eyes finding Bram's and with a small smile, he walked out the door. Bram sighed, he had hoped the boy would stay just a bit longer but clearly he wasn't as comfortable as the other people in the room yet.

It is after all unnerving when you're the only stranger in a room already basically filled with friends, it's like being dragged along to your friends family wedding and then the friend abandons you and you just sit at the table and stare at your phone while everyone else talks around you.

Bram stayed behind to help put the chairs away and dismantle the small stage, Josh and Al chatted away but Bram stayed quiet, still lost in his thoughts. Once all the stuff was away Bram gave the others a wave and then set off back to his Dorm, it was drizzling slightly and Bram picked up his pace a bit, he was about ten meters away from the door to his building when he saw him. A boy with messy blond hair and damp clingy clothes head through the door clutching a pack of Oreos. Jacques

Simon knew he had probably looked weird looking over his shoulder for Blue like that but he needed to see him just once more before he left. He also desperately needed to get back to his dorm with his Oreos and lose himself in Netflix and music and just try and make sense of what he had done.

He made a quick run to the shop, grabbing his Oreos and paying for them before heading back to his dorm, Simon didn't mind the drizzle, he was already wet through so what was this little bit of water gonna do? He had just made it to the door to his form building when he glanced to his right.

It was Blue. Simon froze for a second before offering a small wave and then quickly swept through the doors, had Blue followed him, was he trying to talk to him, heck what if they shared a dorm building. Simons thoughts raced at a million miles an hour as climbed the three flights of stairs to his room.

He quickly unlocked his door, number 21, stepped into his room and locked the door behind him before heading into his bathroom. He yanked off his wet clothes which were starting to make him feel constricted and turned on the shower. After a minute he stepped in and let the hot water flow over him, he'd been out of the house for less than an hour and a half but jeez, what a day.

Bram had stopped in shock, no way did him and Jacques share the same dorm building. How had he never seen him before? Logic took over in Bram's head, telling him that there were 5 floors in the building each with ten rooms. I

t wasn't exactly likely that they would meet. Bram couldn't help but hope though. He waved back in response to Jacques small wave and waited a couple of seconds before following him into the building. Jacques was clearly a fast mover when he wanted to be because there was no-one in sight when Bram entered the lobby.

Once he reached his floor he stopped for a moment, examining the doors as if they might hold some sort of clue to their resident living in them but all the doors were the same. Pale wood with brass numbers hammered on to the outside, they seemed to stare back haughtily in a way that said: "Our secrets are ours and we will never give them up".

Bram headed to his own room at the end of the corridor, shaking his head at the stupid notion that Jacques was behind one of the doors, he reached his room, number 30, and stepped inside. He slipped off his shoes and then collapsed onto his bed. His day had not gone how he had expected in the slightest. In the best way possible though.

Maybe Jacques had seen his email though, Bram thought with false hope, Hed kept his eyes on the other boy for the entire time and Jacques had either been starring at the table, somewhere around the room or at Bram's face, even though whenever they'd made eye contact he would blush slightly.

Over the next couple of days, both boys came close to meeting each other again but always seemed to miss each other. Fate, it seemed, was cruel.

When Simon returned to his room, tired from classes that day all he wants to do was crawl into bed and cry/eat Oreos/watch Netflix. He was ready to do all three but when he opened his laptop and powered it on, he was hit with the realisation that one of his assignments was due tomorrow he was only half done and it needed to be printed.

Simon let out a sigh before grabbing his laptop and heading to the campus library. He set up at one of the desks and waited for his laptop to connect to the free wifi. He was just starting off when he heard a voice quietly ask

"Jacques?"

Simon turned slowly, there at the other end of the desk stood Blue.

"Hi Blue"

Simon replied softly and a small smile graced the other boys face.

"Hows it going?"

He responded

"pretty good"

Simon stated

"I was all set for an evening of Oreos and Netflix when I got the reminder that my essay was due tomorrow I'm half done and I still need to print it"

Bram groaned in sympathy

"That's no good, but I'm kinda in the same boat right now?

"Yeah?"

Simons tone was curious,

"You don't seem like the kind of guy who'd fall behind on his assignments though, what happened?"

"I am usually pretty good but this past couple of days I've been quite distracted, I came here hoping it would help but no dice, I think I need a study partner to keep me on track"

"hah I thought the same about me but then I realised I didn't have anyone to ask in the first place so I guess I'll just have to fail"

Simon joked

Bram thought for a moment before suggesting his idea

"Well how about this, you need a study buddy and I need a study buddy, how about we help each other out"

He saw Jacques' eyes widen slightly

"Or not!"

He hastened to add,

"it was just a thought"

but Jacques was nodding his head.

"No, I actually think that's a really good idea, I'd love to"

Bram blinked a couple of times in shock before letting a grin stretch across his face

"That's great Jacques thank you"

Now it was Simons turn to look thoughtful for a second

"You know, this is probably gonna be easier if we use our real names and not our fake ones…right?

Bram nodded

"Yeah you're right, well, in that case, my name is Abraham although my friends call me Bram and you are?"

'Simon, Simon Spier, my friends call me Simon or at least they would if I had any friends"

"Pleasure to meet you Simon" "Likewise Abraham, I love your name, it rolls off the tongue so well"

Bram blushed slightly before taking the seat opposite Simon.

"Shall we begin?"

Simon nodded and then reached into his bag

"Oh and I brought snacks as well"

He proudly presented the pack of Oreos before placing them in between the two of them"

Bram grinned

"I think this is definitely the start of something beautiful"

Simon just laughed.

They studied for a good couple of hours, Bram was great at giving advice on how to structure sentences which Simons teacher always said he struggled with and in return Simon was able to give Bram new ways to describe things in his Philosophy class through metaphors and personification.

Mutually beneficial and Simon finally felt like he had a friend he could talk to again, he had missed the friendly banter he could have with someone else. He had missed having someone else period.

They shared laughs and smiles and Oreos and Bram honestly couldn't remember when he had last laughed so hard he couldn't breathe but Simon was leaving him in stitches and he was being so loud that the librarian had to come and shush them.

Eventually, both boys finished their respective assignments and printed them out and headed back to their dorm.

Simon was the one who brought up the conversation about how the shared a dorm

"I'm just saying I can't believe I've never seen you before even once!"

Bram chuckled before divulging the logic he had stored away

'Well there's five floors each with ten rooms and considering that there are 48 other people living in the building it is less surprising and more a matter of circumstance"

'Ooh that's a lot of math for so late at night, maybe try explaining it to me on our next study session"

Simons' eyes twinkled like living stars as he spoke and Bram couldn't help but blush sightly under his gaze

"Sure, I'll hold the thought until next time"

He joked. In a comfortable silence, the boys continued on to their dorm, the Spierfield Residence Hall. Bram held the door for Simon and he ducked inside, Bram following.

'You know I used to complain about the fact that this building didn't have an elevator but considering how many Oreos I consume this is probably for the best"

Simon stated as they reached the first floor

"I hear that I'm just thankful I'm not on the fifth floor"

Bram responded

"Oh god I know right? I think I'd end up dead before too long, can you imagine if you forgot something but you didn't realise till you reached the lobby, the Horror!

Simon exclaimed. Both boys laughing as they reached the third floor. At the same time, they both reached for the door handle then stared at each other.

"You don't mean to tell me, Simon, that we've been living on the same floor for the past three months and we never knew it?"

Simon just nodded

"Maybe you need to rethink your math Abraham, to calculate the odds of this happening"

Bram broke out in a grin"

"You're on, and If I get it right, what do I win?"

Simon thought for a second

"Get it right and I'll treat you to any drink you want from the coffee shop on campus"

Bram held out his hand and Simon hesitated slightly before reaching out and shaking it

"You've got yourself a deal Spier"

Together they headed through the door, Simon turning to open the first door on the right, he turned to Bram as he stepped through the door

"Thank you for helping me study, you're a pretty good partner to work with"

Bram shot back a mega-watt smile

"Same to you Simon, see you soon"

He headed off down the hall to his own room, hearing Simons door gently close behind him. As Bram reached his door he couldn't help the small smile that didn't seem to leave his face. Simon Spier, he thought, is good for the soul.

They managed to catch glimpses of each other over the next couple of days but nothing that could build into anything more than a quick wave and a small smile. They both started living for those moments.

After a particularly gruelling day which only promised to get worse with the workload, he still had to deal with Simon was heading to the library once again when the door to the stairs opened and heard a voice come through the doorway

"Hey, Simon hows it hanging?"

Simon couldn't stop the smile that spread across his cheeks as returned the greeting to the enthusiastic boy.

"Hey Bram, pretty stress if I'm being honest, hows are you?"

"I'm good, are you heading to the library?

Simon just nodded

"Need to print anything?

Simon shook his head this time

"In that case wanna study in my room? Saves you a trip and we get to be study buddies again!"

Simon pondered this a second before responding

"Sure that would be great Bram thanks"

Bram grinned before heading down the hall to his room

"I still can't believe we live on the same floor and still barely see each other"

Simon shrugged his shoulders

"I don't really leave my room unless its necessary, never really had a reason to you know?"

He responded

Bram just looked at Simon before humming in response. He unlocked his door and stepped through before bowing like a waiter and sweeping his arm in the universal gesture of "come in"

Simon chuckled and stepped lightly past Bram. He was interested to see how Bram had decorated his room and what he saw fit him perfectly, he had books stacked up on one side of his desk and folders and notes on the other side, his laptop sat in the middle. Bram's bed was neatly made and was made up of dark navy blue covers and giant fluffy blue pillows.

He had a small pride flag hanging from the door of his closet and music pulsed gently from the small speaker on his bedside cabinet. The entire room felt very…Bram.

Bram spoke up from behind him

"So what assignment are you working on?"

"It's for my creative writing course, I have to come up with a story involving a college setting and try to include some form of relationship in it, you know, kinda like finding your soul mate in college and all that"

Bram nodded his head

"sounds cute"

"it will be hopefully once it's finished, I'm trying to include more characters and storylines that differ from the usual heterosexual romances you know? So this ones based on a gay couple. It's still in the early stages though"

Bram was all for the idea and Simon felt relieved that he had at least one person in his corner backing his idea.

"How about you?"

Oh mines for Journalism"

Bram responded

"We have to try and look for something interesting on campus and report back on it with a new angle or story for the history behind it. It could be a new club, person, an old statue or bench, that kinda thing"

"Did you find anything?"

"Yeah I did actually, I wandered around the grounds for ages and came across this really small garden that looks like it hasn't been stepped in for years. I went to ask administration about it and they said it was an oasis in a sense for some students who were being bullied for their sexuality, the university had it constructed in private so queer children had somewhere to escape too.

"know what that feels like"

Simon muttered underneath his breath

"huh?"

"I mean that sounds awesome, you'll have to show me sometime it sounds amazing"

"yeah definitely but for now I think we should focus on our assignments right?

Simon sighed

"If we must"

Studying in Bram's room was a weird experience at first. Simon wasn't quite sure where to set himself down in a space that wasn't his but he eventually settled down and got to work. He didn't know if it was the fact that he was sharing the space with Bram or just a friend in general but Simon felt a peace inside him that he hadn't known in nearly a year.

He got more work done that evening than in a very long time. They bid each other goodnight around ten pm and Simon headed back to his room. He slept pretty well that night too. When he woke around nine the following morning (no lectures thankfully) he took a moment to just appreciate the warmth of his bed for a moment.

A moment which was then ruined by his bladder waking up and demanding to be heard, Simon sighed before throwing back the covers and heading to the bathroom. Once done he was starting back towards his bed when he saw a slip of paper had been slipped under his door.

Curious Simon went over and picked it up, he was shocked to find it was from Bram

Hey Simon,

Hope you get to lie in today, I just wanted to say thank you for last night, studying with you really helped me! I'm not a person that leaves things to chance though and all of our encounters have been exactly that so if it's okay and not too presumptuous of me I'm giving you my number...and my email just in case. Text me if you ever want to study sometime!

Bram

XXX-XXX-XXX Bluegreen118

Simon stared at the note for a minute, re-reading it and processing the information before diving for his phone and bringing up the new contact information. He punched in Bram's number and name before saving it to his phone, his first college friends phone number he thought with a happy giggle, and he was cute too!

Simon opened up a new text message and composed a quick one to Bram

From Simon Spier To Bram Greenfield

Hey, Bram, it's Simon, thanks for dropping me your number, I'm sure it will make meeting up a lot easier, for studying I mean!

A text came back almost instantly

From Bram Greenfield To Simon Spier

Hey Simon! It's no problem and hey if you ever wanna meet up and not study that's cool with me too, you're an awesome guy to be around

Simon blushed hard and hugged his phone to his chest, for the first time in a while there was a steady warmth nestled where cold fear usually resided. Simon wasn't going to complain.

A few weeks passed and Bram and Simon text on a nearly daily basis, after Simon mentioned how unlikely their friendship was Bram had responded with a picture of animals that make unlikely friends, the picture in question was a tiger cub and dog. Simon had responded in kind and it was now a competition between the two to see who could find the most unlikely animal friendship.

Simon and Bram met up every week now, always on a Wednesday, at some point they even stopped texting asking if the other was still okay to study and Simon would just walk up the corridor and give a quick knock on Bram's door before walking in where he was always greeted warmly.

Simon also now lacked any inhibitions about taking up Bram's space to study, they regularly both worked close to each other on the bed ankles twisting together or elbows brushing. Neither of them minded. On the Wednesdays that neither of them had to, or felt the need to, study they went to Simons instead to watch Netflix and binge on Oreos. Both boys sat shoulder to shoulder on Simons bed, happy with each others company.

One rainy day in December, around four months into their college experience and Bram was going over to Simons to continue their Netflix binge-watch of "The defenders" He was slightly worried about his friend, he'd gone quiet over the past couple of days and his replies to texts had mostly been short, one word answers.

Not at all like the Simon he knew who liked to ramble on and make every other point except the one you text him about. Which was why when he opened the door he was shocked to see his friend curled up in bed, no music on or Netflix playing, just staring at the wall. What was even more concerning where the tears slowly making their way down his cheeks.

"Simon!"

Bram exclaimed

"Whats wrong?"

Simon turned his sad, heavy eyes towards Bram before sucking in a deep breath

"It was a year two days ago that I was outed, and a year today since the last piece of my world that I cared about was ripped away. I didn't think it was going to hurt this much but I guess I'm not as over it as I thought.

"Simon, I'm sorry, do you want to watch Netflix or do something? it might help to take your mind off things"

Simon just shook his head

"I don't think I can right now"

he whispered

"everything's blurry and I cant get this fog out of my head"

Bram nodded sadly, he wanted desperately to help his friend but had no words of advice to offer, no pearls of wisdom from his philosophy class that would help Simon right now. He slowly stood up, he was clearly imposing on his friends' space when he wanted to be alone.

"Can I get you anything before I go"

He asked gently. When Simon didn't respond straight away he turned to start heading out of the room when he heard a quiet voice say

"A hug"

Bram turned around to face Simon who just looked so vulnerable and broken that Bram's heart broke a bit more.

"shuffle up then"

he said softly, Simon shuffled across his bed slightly until there was enough room for Bram to climb in behind him. Bram lifted the covers and climbed into the bed, resting back on the pillows and getting comfy before opening his arms to Simon.

Simon tentatively moved across the small space between them before resting his head in the crook between Bram's neck and shoulder. Bram wrapped his arms around the smaller boy and squeezed him gently. Simone let out a sigh

"Thank you"

Bram hummed gently before responding

"this is what friends are for Simon, whenever you need someone to hug, I'll be right here with open arms"

After a while, Simons breathing deepened. Bram realised his friend had fallen asleep, he listened to his steady breaths and before he knew it, his eyes were closing and he was drifting off as well. Bram awoke that morning at six like he usually did even without his alarm feeling extraordinarily well rested. It took him a couple of minutes to take in his surrounds and realised that he still held a sleeping boy to his chest.

Smiling slightly Bram manoeuvred himself out of the embrace without disturbing his friend. He placed Simons phone on charge and plugged his laptop in, got him a fresh glass of water and then slowly tiptoed out of the room. When Simon woke up around thirty minutes later the first thing that came back to him was the memories of last night. He blushed beet red as he remembered asking Bram for a hug and how Bram had responded. He noticed his phone on the nightstand and dialled Bram's number

"hello"

"Bram I am so sorry for last night you shouldn't have had to deal with that it wasn't fair on you"

"Si, chill out I was happy to do it, I'm just glad I could help, Did you sleep okay?"

'I did thank you yeah, better than in a long time. When did you sneak out?"

'Oh about thirty minutes ago, I placed your phone and laptop on charge when I left as well. I accidentally fell asleep too, I'm sorry"

"No no, its fine, I'm sorry if you didn't get a good nights sleep because of me"

"Actually Si, I slept really well too, I feel so rested and relaxed today it's really nice."

"Oh, well that's good then I guess, look at that guess where good for more than just study buddies!"

"very true, apparently were also teddy bears"

"That is a title I'll bear proudly but I still feel bad about all this so how about I treat us to coffee to make up for it"

"I'll be round in five"

Simon hung up the phone and began to get dressed, he had meant what had said to Bram about sleeping better and if his mood today was anything to go by it was definitely an improvement over yesterdays mod.

He had just slipped his shoes on when the knock came at his door, grabbing his wallet and keys he walked over to the door and opened it to see Bram practically bouncing on his feet

"man are you eager for coffee"

Simon laughed quietly

"When I'm not paying I'm always this eager

Bram responded and Simon chuckled. Together they headed down the stairs and out of the building and started towards the coffee shop.

"Thank you again, for last night I mean"

"Simon it's okay, I honestly didn't mind and it's hardly the first time we've been in a bed next to each other"

"First time while sleeping and hugging though"

"DUDE let it go or I'll order the most expensive thing on the menu"

Simon held his hands out in mock surrender just as they arrived at the coffee store. Five minutes later Simon held a frothy Oreo cappuccino in his hands and Bram an Iced coffee with milk. Everything was settling back into place.

A week passed and Simon felt like him and Bram had gone back to how things where before, yet now Simon had a yearning inside. He wanted more nights like that. Ones where he held onto Bram and didn't let go.

He tried his best to silence those thoughts whenever they sprung up but they were surprisingly resilient and kept cropping back up like weeds. What he didn't know is that Bram was having similar thoughts. In fact, after a few hours of tossing and turning in his bed Bram still couldn't sleep, so he shot a text to Simon asking if he was awake.

When he received the confirmation he quickly and quietly slipped from his room (he as wearing pj's don't worry) crept down the corridor and knocked on Simons door. It was opened a couple of seconds later and Simon gestured for Bram to come inside.

The room was lit only by the glow of Simons laptop where it was paused in the middle of a Netflix episode of some show Bram had never heard of.

"I cant sleep"

Bram muttered to Simon

"Can I hang with you for a bit"

"Of course"

Simon agreed easily, he climbed into the bed before shuffling over and holding the covers up for Bram to climb in too which he did quite eagerly. He slid down the bed until his head was level with Simons' shoulder. The gentleness of Simon's breathing and the muted background noise from the laptop worked wonders on Bram, his head dropped onto Simons' shoulder and before he knew it he was asleep. Simon succumbed soon after.

When they both awoke the next morning there was no awkwardness or discomfort. They just smiled at each other, both noting how well rested they each felt once again. Bram then headed back to his room and they continued with their days.

It wasn't the last time it happened either, over the course of three weeks they slept in each other's rooms enough that they kept spare PJs in each other's rooms simply for the convenience that after they finished studying they would be in one room or another and it just made more sense than having to walk across the cold dark corridor at eleven at night.

Both of them noticed but neither of them mentioned how well they slept when the slept together in the same bad, it was like the recharged each other's batteries.

On one such study date, Bram was telling Simon about the new journalism assignment he had got, he had to interview one and try and find an interesting story of theirs to report on. He was stressing because he couldn't think of anyone to ask because he simply didn't know how to ask them.

It was then that Simon had a thought. While Bram got to work trying to create a questionnaire Simon started to compose an email. An email about a story that in Simons' eyes was pretty damn interesting. It wasn't just a story though, it was an admission, an admission of feelings that Simon could no longer hide. So when they were finishing up tat night before heading to bed Simon set the email to be delivered when he was in the middle of his lecture tomorrow

Even with all the nervous energy from what he had done, he still slept peacefully in Bram's arms, his heartbeat like a personal lullaby.

The email read:

From To bluegreen118 Subject: It takes a while to open up

Dear Bram,

I want to tell you a story, a story that I've never told anyone before. My story

You may not talk to me after this and that's okay, but I feel like I need to share this, this story is my metaphorical bag of bones in the closet, the anchor pulling me under. Of course, you may decide you still wish to talk to me after this email, I'll be honest with you Bram, I do hope that is the case.

I've never felt this way about anyone Bram, you occupy my thoughts constantly, you stop me from sleeping unless you're lying next to me and you drive me slightly crazy. Maybe I am crazy to feel this way about you when I've only known you a few months but I guess that when you eventually have your first crush all the feelings and experiences are new.

Allow me to share my story, Bram, because I think its time that my side was heard.

It all started with a boy called Martin, he was a nice enough guy who would do anything for a laugh, he was never really part of any clique in school but we were both parts of the drama group. Anyway, I used to run a blog called "Let Me be Perfectly Queer" and it was pretty popular if I do say so myself.

I made some great friends through the site as well as having my best friends IRL too, Nick, Leah and Abby. I was due to post a big update on my blog and didn't want to wait until I got home that night, I was so excited, picture a golden retriever upon his owners return and then double that.

Patience has never been a strong suit for me, if it was, none of this would have happened and I'd be dancing among rainbow fields right now. It didn't happen that way, no. I had just posted my update when the deputy head of my high school appears like out of nowhere next to my computer to talk about his "Hot Tinder Date" and how it crashed and burned.

I didn't have any other option than to just turn the screen off so he didn't see it and by the time he had finished trying to explain the ins and outs of where he thinks he went wrong I'm desperate to get out of there. So I bolt and don't think anything else of it.

Until that night at Drama Practice.

Martin comes up to me with a smile that just looks like trouble and his heads bobbling a bit as if he's got a thought rattling round in that apparently empty head of his. He waits until we're alone before starting his entire speech about how he used the computer after me and how had looked at my blog.

He promised not show anyone which was when I realised that this was about to take a turn I wasn't too happy with. He wanted to make a deal if you can even call blackmail a deal. I had to agree to help try and set him up with Abby because apparently, I was a good way in and in return he wouldn't show anyone the web address or the screenshots he'd taken of my most recent update.

(The update in case you're wondering was me announcing that I was going to publicly come out to my friends and my parents just before Christmas Break, that didn't go to plan either.)

I didn't want to help him try and get with one of my best friends, I knew that Nick was crushing on Abby hard and I didn't want to get in the way of that. I didn't really have a choice though, it was either try and keep them apart a bit longer and let Martin shoot his shot or have my secret announced to the entirety of Shady Creek, Georgia, neither of those options are ideal but I knew which one I would have to pick.

Turns out both options ended in the same way. With me losing everything. I'll gloss over the fact that I thought Leah was in love with Nick so I set them up with each other but in a shocking turn of events, she actually liked me instead. I'll cut out the part of the story how I only managed to get Martin and Abby in the same place as each other around three times and how he decided that a giant dating proposal at homecoming was the best way to try and round things off.

I'll briefly touch on the knowledge that as soon as Martin ran off the field to the jeers of humiliation I knew my world was about to come crashing down. It took two days for Martin to play his hand and reveal the winning deck.

It took another two days for my friends to come and meet up with me and tell me what a horrible person I was, how cruel I had been and how I could've just told them all this stuff from the start to avoid people getting hurt.

It took another four before I ended up turning my phone off to avoid all the messages I was being sent. It took six days before my parents came into my room to "sit down and talk". One of the other parents had seen the post on their kids' computer and text mine.

In total it took one week for me to lose everything in my life that I held dear. My blog I could no longer update because now people knew who I was, the inbox was filled with anonymous hate so I deleted the blog. Funny how anonymity lets peoples inner asshole come out isn't it.

I lost my family, they loved me but my dad didn't talk to me for three days and my mum couldn't help but try and put her therapy techniques into practice on me, my sister never told me how she felt but then again she was always quiet.

I lost my best friends who I thought I would have forever. I understand why to an extent, but over the course of the next six months, I hoped they could've seen why I kept it a secret. They never did. They still haven't.

Do you want to know what I gained Blue? I gained a lot and far quicker than I lost things too.

In my first day back at school I gained four new names for myself from people I had never spoken to. I gained half a corridor worth of enemies and a vandalised locker both inside and out.

In my first week, I gained four new bruises across my arms and chest, three bruised ribs, two sprained fingers and a black eye. Ha, when I look at it like that is almost matches the Twelve Days of Christmas Song.

In my first month, I gained my first hate following at school and a solid fear of if I would make it through the rest of the year alive. I gained the ability to know when a beating was coming and how long it would take the group to get to my location.

I gained the skill to apparently change my skin colour through various shades of black, blue, purple, yellow and brown. I gained the ability to appear like a summer storm sky yet lacked the power of lightning and thunder to retaliate.

I gained the perspective that you cant expect anything but the worst from people, no matter how close they are to your life. I cant walk around in the dark anymore and I'm scared of every corner and shadow larger than me. I gained a lot. None of it good though.

My parents could do nothing, they didn't know how. The school was useless but what could they have done against half the school anyway. Easier to fight the battle of the majority than the minority right?

I spent the remaining five months sprinting between classrooms to avoid being dragged into empty corridors, eating in headmasters waiting room to avoid the dangerous chaos of the cafeteria. Getting permission to leave all my final classes five minutes earlier so I could make it to my car without ending up with something broken.

Now I'm here and until I met you. I felt like I was wasting my time. I barely left my room and when I did I could barely interact with people because of the fear that remains, that as soon as they know about me I'll be turned into the University punching bag.

You probably think I'm being ridiculous and I don't blame you but when you've lived with a constant fear of shadows coming to life and hurting you for the past six months, you find some habits are hard to get rid of.

I hadn't even intended to go that meeting you know, I was forced inside because of the rain. All I wanted was Oreos and instead, I left feeling awfully confused about you and myself. You with your curly dark hair, tawny skin and shipwreck eyes. Eyes that don't seem to disappear even when I close mine.

I've never had a crush on anyone, I think it started as that when I met you, I'm not sure what this is that I'm feeling now but I want to find out. I'm willing to try.

Now, Bram, you've heard my story, you can see the bones in my closet and all my flaws and faults laid bare. I'll understand if you don't want to deal with me anymore, believe me, I will. But just know that I will be forever thankful for the rain that drove me into that meeting. I'll be forever thankful for having assignments just so I could study with you. Most of all I'll be forever grateful for you.

Love,  
Simon

As Simon sat through his lecture the next day he couldn't help the nervous tremors that ran through his body. What if Bram did decide he didn't want anything to do with him anymore? What if Bram thought he was too much to handle? Simon knew it would probably destroy him if that happened but he also knew he couldn't hide from his past any more.

It was something he had needed to share. The bell rang signalling the end of the lecture and Simon slowly made his way out of the classroom, he hadn't heard from Bram since a quick good morning text and he knew that Bram had been in possession of the email for about fifty minutes now

He also knew that Bram checked his email straight away as soon as the notification came through, so unless terrible had happened Bram had definitely read the email. Simon walked through the entrance doors and then stopped short. Bram was stood in the middle of the path directly in front of Simon.

Simon gulped

"Hi"

He said softly. Bram didn't say anything and as the minutes ticked by Simon felt more and more unsure and uncomfortable

"Look I'm sorry if what I said has ruined our friendship but I needed you to know how I felt and about my high school experience and what a dick I was and I'll understand if I'm not desirable or attractive to you now but-"

Simon was silenced as Bram closed the gap between them in two long strides and pulled him in for a tight hug

"You're an idiot Spier if you think that I don't feel the exact same way about you"

Simon gaped at Bram

"Wait you're serious?"

He gasped after studying Bram's face for a moment.

Bram just nodded

"as much as I'm enjoying standing here confessing my feelings for you, will you come with me? There's something I want to show you"

Bram held out his hand and Simon didn't hesitate before reaching out with his own and holding it tightly. They walked for about 15 minutes in a companionable silence before reaching a tall hedged area, Bram grinned at Simon before walking him around the outskirts of the edge and suddenly dragging him through a small gap in the hedge that one would struggle to find even they were looking for it.

Simon blinked in shock, he was stood in a literal paradise. A cherry blossom tree spread its leaves and branches across the tops of the hedges like a roof, beautiful flowers in all shades of the rainbow overflowed out of pots and flower beds and there in the centre, on a small circular island between two bridges which crossed a circular pond, lay a blanket and a picnic basket.

Simon turned to Bram

"This is the garden you were telling me about"

He said in a hushed whisper, Bram nodded.

"It's more incredible than I imagined it to be"

Bram gently pulled Simon across one of the bridges and together they sat on the blanket. Bram reached into the basket and pulled out two cups of Oreos and a pint of milk. Simon beamed.

"Simon, you're crazy if you don't think I feel the same way about you as you do about me. You're like a breath of fresh air in my lungs, you're the rain washing away the evidence of my day. You're someone who I always wanted to be with but worried I would never find. You're my study buddy and my personal teddy bear and I don't want to go a moment longer where you don't know what you mean to me

Now I've waited very patiently and I've got just two things to ask you. One, will you go out with me?

Simon nods his head so hard Bram fears it might fall off

"of course, yes, wait for what like boyfriends?

Bram nods his head

"Boyfriends, I like the sound of that. The second thing I have to ask you is can I kiss you? I've wanted to do it for so long now but I'll understand if you think it's moving too fast or if you-"

Bram's interrupted by a pair of lips being pressed against his, his eyes widen in shock before he closes them and leans into the kiss. After a while the boys separate, breathing hard. They grin at each other before Simon dives back into peck Bram on the lips.

Together they slowly lie back and stare at the canopy of pink leaves above them, happy resting in each other's arms.

"Abraham?" Simon asks.

Bram hums contentedly in response

"Thank you"

Bram turns his eyes to Simon and furrows his eyebrows in a silent question

"Thank you for making me realise that being who I am isn't a curse, thank you for giving me the courage to think that not everyone is my enemy but could be a friend. Thank you for the time you invested in me and in us.

You've changed me from the stormy sky to the midsummers sky. I no longer fear the thunder but I look forward to embracing it when it comes. You have altered my life and reason for existing and I'm so goddam glad that it was because of rain and Oreos that I got the chance to meet you.

Bram simply smiled back up at Simon before saying

"Thank fuck for rain and Oreos indeed"


End file.
